How to trust again…
Your Question: I was married for 25 years and thought I had a very happy marriage. My wife travelled for business a lot. We had no kids. I came home from work 4 years ago and she left me with a note to say she was leaving. She cut off all of our friends and my family. Our divorce was handled remotely (during COVID) and I never spoke with her again. We found out she got re-married very soon after the divorce was finalized. I’ve since gotten over the trauma of it all, but I’ve found that I don’t have a lot of trust in people anymore.
My question is, how to learn to trust again? I don’t think I can be in a meaningful relationship if I feel this way.
I know this is a lot! Therapy hasn’t helped much with this issue.
Thanks!
Answer:
Hi there, firstly thank you so much for your question. I think It’s very normal to wonder how you’re going to trust someone again when you feel like you’ve been betrayed. The real question is how do you trust yourself again to make a good decision in picking a partner? From my perspective, It’s never about the other person, they only serve as a mirror for us to look at ourselves and in this moment you’re probably wondering how could I have been so wrong about the person I thought I knew? The first step is to give yourself grace. We are all human and it sounds like you did have 25 wonderful years with your wife. Can you stay in gratitude for that and trust that the universe in conspiring in your favor for your next chapter? Really observe your thinking when you meet someone and if you have thoughts that are negative ask yourself if it’s helpful for the situation you find yourself in or is it residual from your past. If we understand, that thought is not real and we can act on it or not, it gives us a lot of freedom so the thoughts that you may be having that are negative that don't make you feel good, well just let those thoughts go and focus on the thoughts that make you feel good. If you’re enjoying your time with someone well maybe you want to see them again, if you enjoy the next date go on another! Do your best to stay in the moment and don't future trip about what might happen in the future…My point is you're OK now you’ve recovered from your divorce and you'll be OK no matter what. Trust yourself listen to your intuition let go of your negative thoughts and see what happens. Good luck!